A beard will never talk back
A beard is more attractive when it’s hairy and fat
A beard’ll stick by you when a woman won’t
A beard looks better with age, women don’t
You can attack your beard with a razor, it’ll keep coming back

You can stroke your beard all night, it’ll never get tired
And a beard will never up and leave you and attach itself to some other guy, no
A beard will do what you want, it will always behave
A beard will never ask you to shave
If you throw up all over your beard, your beard won’t mind

A beard won’t care if you’re shit in the sack
And a beard will never get together with the other beards
And talk about you behind your back, oh
A beard won’t get angry, or jealous or weird
If it sees you looking at another man’s beard
A beard will never go and start having sex with some guy from her work, and then try and turn that shit around by telling you it’s your fault ‘cos you never paid any attention to her feelings

A beard won’t turn and walk away
A beard will be with you all the way
I’ll take a beard over a woman any old day
I said i’ll take a beard over a woman any day

Beards!