Hey It's Link! I'm back and I'm sailing on a ship
I'm the King of Red Lions
Yo, I don't give a shit
If there's one thing I've learned from years of saving this land
It's all I really need is a sword and shield on my hand

But look over there! That sign says: Beware!
A giant pit no one can jump, you can't fly through the air
You'll need a special item to get through that moat
But what do I know, right? I'm just a fuckin' boat

Fuck, alright, shit, okay
I can maybe pick up one or two things on my way
But as far as I'm concerned all I need is swordplay
Shut your fucking elf mouth and take my items, OK?

Your quest is long and the road is tough
The path is dark, you're gonna need a shitload of stuff
No lives are spared, you'd better be prepared
Moblin fangs and a boomerang

And a cloth to shield that nasty wang
From Majora's Mask to an empty flask
Here's what you'll need to complete your task

A bow and arrow, nice, and a skeleton key
And a second place trophy from a local spelling bee
A candle with a handle, and a single Velcro sandal
Is this an old court order from a drug related scandal? (No!)

Hey boat, all these item hurt my back, it's a lot
Pop a Tylenol, you bitch! You've got 87 slots
Here's a hammer that can break any kind of rock it hits
And a full-sized studio drum kits

A giant used Q-tip, a really small cruise ship
A parent's signature for a Disneyland school trip?
Documents that prove the moon landing was a hoax
And a legendary sacred hidden golden tome of fart jokes

This Wind Waker lets you control the air
And this Sit Maker is a really comfortable reclining chair
The road is long, you must protect that schlong
Noble stallions and quake medallions
You're a bigger deal than plumbing Italians
Sourdough, a herd of buffalo
Just a few more thing and you're ready to go

Your grandma's glass eyeball, 80 pounds of drywall
And every single item from the March issue of Skymall?
A vegan pasta maker, the wrestle Undertaker
An odd number of crutches, and a family of Quakers

A basket of muffins, a turkey with the stuffin'
A pillow that needs fluffin', a society of puffins
A fresh unopened box of race-quality potato sacks
46 copies of The Jerk on Betamax

It's getting kinda heavy
I don't care, here's a Chevy and The Wacky World of Mini Golf
Starring Eugene Levy
Oh my God! I absolutely cannot carry one more thing
Don't you worry, all that's left is this single piece of string