A lady that I know just came from Colombia
She smiled because I did not understand
Then she held out some marijuana, ha-ha
She said it was the best in all the land

And I said: No, no, no, no, I don't smoke it no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please, it only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

A woman that I know just came from Mallorca, Spain
She smiled because I did not understand (Parazzi! Parazzi! Olé!)
Then she held out a ten pound bag of cocaine
She said it was the finest in the land

And I said: No, no, no, no, I don't (sniff) no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please, it only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

A man I know just came from Nashville, Tennessee, oh (oh, no!)
He smiled because I did not understand
Then he held out some moonshine whiskey, oh-ho
He said it was the best in all the land (and he wasn't joking)

And I said: No, no, no, no, I don't drink it no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please, it only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

Well, I said: No, no, no, no, I can't take it no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please, it only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

Hey, yeah!
I'll just have another drink, barman, have you got a large brandy?