We were gonna write a song
To sing on Bob and Tom
About Mel Gibson' arrest for drunken driving
And the funny word he used for breasts
And the way he yelled about the Jews
The song was gonna have lots of rhymes and clever wordplay

But it's too friggin' hot
It's just too friggin' hot
We tried really hard
But you can't be funny
When it's ten thousand degrees
And your butt cheeks are welded together

We were gonna write another thing
About Lance Bass from N*SYNC
And the way that he came out of the closet
And we'd point out the irony of the thousands of females
Who dreamed that one day he just might be their husband
And we'd probably find a word that rhymes with "Bass"
Relating to his homosexuality

But it's too friggin' hot
It's just too friggin' hot
We tried really hard
But you can't be funny
When the thermometer's exploded
And the cat is begging you to shave him

The bridge was gonna be about Tom
And how he hates to go out in the sun
Something about a Scooby Doo pillowcase
Zinc oxide and a trowel

We were gonna write a third verse

But it's too friggin' hot
It's just too friggin' hot
We tried really hard
But you can't be funny
When you're sweating like Nixon
Your underwear's melting
You could cook French fries
Inside your armpits
If Bob won't go golfing
It's just too friggin' hot