Classified project, moving light
Privately funded silent night
North pole station satellite
Red and white
Laser beams are focusing
Converging on a tyrant king
New dimensions!
Full of presents!
For the children!
In the trillions!

With a little bit of brains
Maybe we can do away with the lack of candy canes
Make Christmas every day
Through scientific enterprise, maybe we can open eyes
We can revolutionize the way we move merchandise
(It keeps on giving, it keeps on giving, it keeps on giving, it keeps on giving)
No more naughty, no more nice
Just a present and a price
(As seen on TV, as seen on TV, as seen on TV)

It's a pillow? It's a pet?
It's a miracle it hasn't happened yet
Oh God, Something went wrong
I can't let you see me like this
I walked through the path of the beam
At first I thought I was okay, but overnight my hair turned white
I've been gaining weight
Involuntary spasms, like a bowl full of jelly
Outbursts of laughter
We must not tell the shareholders
That would be bad
Whoa, something to do with DNA
Something to do with gamma rays
White flowing beard won't go away, go away
Laser beams from outer space
Converging on my mutant face

New dimensions!
Now I'm presents!
Like Pandora!
Oh the horror!
Body horror, tendons snapping
Ribbons and wrapping, stocking stuffing
Skin is sloughing, bones are bowing
Something is growing
Something, oh!
Merry Christmas!