I have a dream
I'm here to tell
About a wonderful fantastic new hotel
Yes, it's one of a kind
Right here in Hell
Catering to a specific clientele (ooh)

Inside of every demon is a rainbow
Inside every sinner is a shiny smile
Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac
Is a jolly, happy, cupcake-loving child

We can turn around
They'll be heaven-bound
With just a little time down at the Happy Hotel

So all you junkies, freaks, and weirdos
Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeros
And downfallen superheroes, help is here

All of you cretins, sluts and losers, sexual deviants and boozers
And prescription drug abusers, need not fear

Forever again, we'll cure your sin
We'll make you well, you'll feel so swell
Right here in Hell at the Happy Hotel

There'll be no more fire and no more screams
Just puppy dog kisses and cotton candy dreams
And puffy-wuffy clouds, you're gonna be like, wow!
Once you check in with me

So, all your cartoon porn addictions, vegan rants, psychic predictions
Ancient Roman crucifixions end right here

All you monsters, thieves and crazies, cannibals and crying babies
Frothing mouth is full of rabies, filled with cheer

You'll be complete, it'll be so neat
Our service can't be beat
You'll be on easy street, yes!
Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel