Yo
Mic check (my dick!)
Testing, one, two, fuck
(My dick)
My nuts

My attitude is worse than NWA's was
I'll battle you over stupid shit
And dis people who ain't have shit to do with it
Like Cool J does (My tattoo!)
You see me standin' outside of your buildin'
Screamin': Puffy is good, but Slim Shady is for the children! (Hey, wait!)
I look at my life in a new light, fuck it
Give me two mics, I write songs for me, fuck what you like
You'll probably hear me rap half-hearted
'Cause I don't like rap anyway
I'm just tryna get my porno career started (hell yeah)
Every place and event, Been there, done that
Shit, Dre stuck me in a suitcase when he went
Want a deal? Study these five chapters
Lesson one, throw demos as hard as you can at signed rappers
Lesson two, face 'em and dis 'em (what up dog?)
Don't give em a demo, kidnap 'em (I want you to come with me)
And make 'em come to your basement and listen (you're gonna fuckin' check this out)
Lesson three, get a job at a label, switch demos with Canibus
And put yours on the owner's table (here listen!)
Lesson four, know you heard this before
Hey, let me get your number, I'll call you tomorrow, for sure!
Don't act like a fan, you want to get signed?
Get the whitest A and R you can find
Pull him aside and rap as wack as you can
Lesson five, get a hook-up at Jive
Dress up like I.C.P. and have them come see you perform live
And that's the key, but when you see me on the street
I ain't givin' you shit bitch, don't even bother askin' me (get away from me)
Toilet water splashes me right in the ass when I'm spittin'
'Cause I'm always shittin' when I'm rappin' like Master P (uh)
Got a blow job from Paula Jones, and stuck it so far in her mouth
My balls broke both of her collarbones (ow!)
Told Mya this shit was all about me-ah (it's all about me)
Gave Alyssa Milano syphilis, mono and gonorrhea (you're a dick)
And all three of my main girls said see-ya
'Cause Brandy and Monica walked in and caught me fuckin' Aaliyah (what? Oh my God!)
I splish splash while I'm takin' a bath
Grab a handful of pills, break 'em in half, take 'em and laugh
White trash, fuckin' your wife in the ass (oh! Ooh Shady! Oooh!)
While you're out siphoning gas for your lawnmower to cut the grass

So if I hurt your self-esteem
And you get dissed too bad (yo why you diss me?)
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad
And when I rap about a buncha shit you wished you had (a big dick!)
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad
I can't listen to that song, that shit's too sad!
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad
He'll never make it, his wrist is slit too bad! (Nurse! Nurse!)
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad

What a wonderful day, I should go outside and play
Ain't no need to sit inside the house and hibernate
Hi Renee! (Oh hi!) I was just about to toss a live grenade
In your driveway (what?) and drive away
Are you afraid of a blade made of a razor with AIDS
Blood drippin' from it, rippin' your stomach like a paper mache
You talk a lot of shit, but you was never ill though
I'm sick enough to beat you to death with a feather pillow
Tipped over some cows, just for a joke and a laugh
Jumped up, choked a giraffe, snapped his neck and broke it in half
Wagin' wars, went on stage and sprayed Cage with Agent Orange
And wiped my ass with his page in Source (here!)
The demon is here, steamin' this year
I rip Mystikal's voice box out, scream in his ear
It's not a gimmick bitch, it's an image, I live it
Give a fuck? I don't know what a fuck is to give it
Yeah I don't think this guy is well, I'm high as hell
I'll beat you with a live cat when I'm swinging him by his tail

I'll fuckin', I'll fuckin'
Lay your nuts on the dresser
Just your nut-sack by itself
And bang them shits with a spiked bat
Cut your neck off and sew your head right back
And leave you like that
You just triggered the prick who just mixed liquor
Who's itchin' to leave you disfigured and stiffer than Christopher
Reeves, I was teething with strep throat
While your mother was breastfeeding
And gave her the flesh-eating disease
I'm iller than takin' a hammer and beatin' your knees
And walkin' through South Central LA, bleedin' in jeans (am I a blood or a crip?)
Wakin' up the next day in breathin' machines
Flashin' back to being shot and repeatin' the scenes
On how you just got smoked, and if you do live
You'll be too scared to tell it, like a Biggie and 'Pac joke

So if I hurt your self-esteem and you get dissed too bad
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad
And when I rap about a fat bitch that you wished you had
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad
I can't listen to that song, that shit's too sad
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad
He'll never make it, his wrist is slit too bad
You know I just be sayin' that to get you mad

I know that makes you real mad, don't it? (Uh-huh)
That's right, Slim Shady (yup) Sway and Tech
Sprayin' wreck (bitch)
And we don't give a heck (uh-uh)
Or a damn, or a fuck, or a shit
(So suck my motherfuckin' dick)