Mavis couldn't quite make it
on Saturday
Beryl was stuck on the tube
from Victoria
Cheryl and the rest had all found
new boyfriends
The only one left was the one in his head
So the busys himself
quite amusing himself
by abusing himself

All his life he had wanted
one true love
One girl he could worship
Alas all the girls he had met
in his short life
Were girls who always
quite looked like his dad's wife
So he busied himself
Quite amusing himself
By amusing himself

Oh dear what a pity
a pity, what a shame
oh what a shame

Girls on glossy paper
never quite the same
not quite the same

Always saying sorry
never quite the same
not quite the same

Sitting one evening
wrapped up in T.V.
his doggy insists
that he must find a tree
so he puts on his coat
and he searches around
for a platinum lighter
he dropped on the ground
and he bruises himself
were he uses himself
for abusing himself

Out in the park
he was walking his doggy
he saw a young lady
who made him feel soggy
he spoke to her softly
she made not a sound
then he realised that his match
he had found
she was losing herself
quite amusing himself
by abusing herself