Hey mister bartender give me a drink
I wanna cold wet glass with bubbles in it
And that doesn't mean I can't handle
Anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while

I'll have a pint of lager please
And a pack of flakies
Give me a pint of lager please
And a can of baked beans

So hey misses tongue driver give us a squeeze
But put your coat back down cos I aint ready to leave
This doesn't mean I don't wanna take you back
You'll just have to wait for that

I'll have a pint of lager please
A complimentary striptease
Give me a pint of lager please
And a bag of green peas

Take me to the kebab hut!
So fill me up with flakes of manky mutton
High up to the top and don't be putting veg on that

Don't want no cabbage patch kebab
A dab of ketchup, make it red
And please make sure the sheep is dead
And throw some peppers in the bag
"Would you like chili sauce on that?"

And a pint of lager please
With a pack of flakies
Give me a pint of lager please
Some soft scoop ice cream

So hey mister cab driver
Give me some breeze
It's been a long long night
And it's repeating on me
And that doesn't mean it's time

You know what I mean?
Just open the window Geez
I'll have a pint of lager please
Don't give a monkey's
Give me a pint of lager please
And some processed cheese